Difficult conversations: how to discuss what matters most
Gespeichert in:
| Beteiligte Personen: | , , |
|---|---|
| Format: | Buch |
| Sprache: | Englisch |
| Veröffentlicht: |
London
Portfolio Penguin
2011
|
| Ausgabe: | Updated tenth anniversary edition |
| Schlagwörter: | |
| Links: | http://bvbr.bib-bvb.de:8991/F?func=service&doc_library=BVB01&local_base=BVB01&doc_number=030093691&sequence=000001&line_number=0001&func_code=DB_RECORDS&service_type=MEDIA |
| Beschreibung: | Ausgabebezeichnung auf dem Umschlag hinten Originally published: Viking, 1999 |
| Umfang: | xxxiii, 315 Seiten |
| ISBN: | 9780670921348 0670921343 |
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Datensatz im Suchindex
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|---|---|
| adam_text | A Road Map to Difficult Conversations Preface to the Second Edition Foreword ix xvil Acknowledgments Introduction A Difficult Conversation Is Anything You Find It Hard to Talk About The Dilemma: Avoid or Confront, It Seems There Is No Good Path There Is No Such Thing as a Diplomatic Hand Grenade This Book Can Help xix xxvii xxvll xxviii ХХІХ xxx The Rewards Are Worth the Effort xxx Skeptical? A Few Thoughts xxxi We Need to Look in New Places ХХХІІ Difficult Conversations Are a Normal Part of Life The Problem 1. Sort Out the Three Conversations Decoding the Structure of Difficult Conversations There’s More Here Than Meets the Ear xxxii լ 3 4 5
A Road Map to Difficult Conversations 298 A Road Map to Difficult Conversations 299 7 Arguing Blocks Us from Exploring Each Other’s Stories 29 1. The “What Happened?” Conversation 7 Arguing Without Understanding Is Unpersuasive 29 2. The Feelings Conversation 7 3. The Identity Conversation 8 Each Difficult Conversation Is Really Three Conversations What We Can’t Change, and What We Can The What Happened? Conversation: What s the Story Here? 8 9 The Truth Assumption 9 The Intention invention 10 The Blame Frame 11 Different Stories: Why We Each See the World Differently 30 1. We Have Different Information 31 We Notice Different Things 31 We Each Know Ourselves Better Than Anyone Else Can 33 2. We Have Different Interpretations The Feelings Conversation: What Should We Do with Our Emotions? An Opera Without Music The Identity Conversation: What Does This Say About Me? Keeping Your Balance Moving Toward a Learning Conversation 12 13 14 34 We Are Influenced by Past Experiences 34 We Apply Different implicit Rules 35 3. Our Conclusions Reflect Self-Interest 36 Move from Certainty to Curiosity 37 Curiosity: The Way into Their Story 37 What’s Your Story? 38 15 Embrace Both Stories: Adopt the And Stance 39 16 Two Exceptions That Aren t 40 Shift to a Learning Stance 21 I Really Am Right 41 The What Happened? Conversation 23 Giving Bad News 42 2. Stop Arguing About Who s Right: Explore Each Other s Stories To Move Forward, First Understand Where You Are 25 43 26 3. Don t Assume They Meant It: Disentangle Intent from Impact We Think They Are the Problem 26 The Battle Over
Intentions 44 They Think We Are the Problem 27 Two Key Mistakes 45 28 The First Mistake: Our Assumptions About Intentions Are Often Wrong 46 Why We Argue, and Why It Doesn t Help We Each Make Sense in Our Story of What Happened 44
A Rood Mop to Difficult Conversations 300 We Assume Intentions from the Impact on Us 46 A Road Map to Difficult Conversations 4. Abandon Blame: Map the Contribution System 301 58 We Assume the Worst 46 In Our Story, Blame Seems Clear 58 We Treat Ourselves More Charitably 47 We re Caught in Blame s Web 59 Are There Never Bad Intentions? 48 Distinguish Blame from Contribution 59 Getting Their Intentions Wrong Is Costly We Assume Bad Intentions Mean Bad Character 48 48 Accusing Them of Bad Intentions Creates Defensiveness 49 Attributions Can Become Self-Fulfilling 50 The Second Mistake: Good Intentions Don t Sanitize Bad Impact 50 We Don’t Hear What They Are Really Trying to Say 50 We Ignore the Complexity of Human Motivations 51 We Aggravate Hostility — Especially Between Groups 52 Blame Is About Judging, and Looks Backward 60 Contribution Is About Understanding, and Looks Forward 60 Contribution Is Joint and Interactive 63 The Costs of the Blame Frame When Blame Is the Goal, Understanding Is the Casualty 64 Focusing on Blame Hinders Problem-Solving 65 Blame Can Leave a Bad System Undiscovered 65 The Benefits of Understanding Contribution Avoiding the Two Mistakes Avoiding the First Mistake: Disentangle Impact and Intent Hold Tour View as a Hypothesis 53 53 53 Share the Impact on Той; Inquire About Their Intentions 54 Don’t Pretend You Don’t Have a Hypothesis 55 Some Defensiveness Is Inevitable 55 Avoiding the Second Mistake: Listen for Feelings, and Reflect on Your Intentions Listen Past the Accusation for the Feelings Be Open to Reflecting on the Complexity of Your
Intentions 56 56 56 64 66 Contribution Is Easier to Raise 66 Contribution Encourages Learning and Change 67 Three Misconceptions About Contribution 67 Misconception #1: 1 Should Focus Only on My Contribution 68 Misconception #2: Putting Aside Blame Means Putting Aside My Feelings 68 Misconception #3: Exploring Contribution Means “Blaming the Victim” 69 Finding Your Fair Share: Four Hard-to-Spot Contributions 70 1. Avoiding Until Now 71 2. Being Unapproachable 72 3. Intersections 72 4. Problematic Role Assumptions 75
• 1 W A Road Map to Difficult Conversations 302 Two Tools for Spotting Contribution 76 A Road Map to Difficult Conversations 303 Finding Your Feelings: Learn Where Feelings Hide Explore Your Emotional Footprint 91 91 Role Reversal 76 The Observer’s Insight 76 Accept That Feelings Are Normal and Natural 92 76 Recognize That Good People Can Have Bad Feelings 92 Learn That Your Feelings Are as Important as Theirs 93 Moving from Blame to Contribution—An Example Map the Contribution System 78 What Are They Contributing? 78 What Am I Contributing? 78 Who Else Is Involved? 79 Find the Bundle of Feelings Behind the Simple Labels Take Responsibility for Your Contribution Early 79 Don’t Let Hidden Feelings Block Other Help Them Understand Their Contribution 81 Emotions Make Your Observations and Reasoning Explicit Clarify What You Would Have Them Do Differently The Feelings Conversation 81 81 83 5. Have Your Feelings (Or They Will Have You) 85 Feelings Matter: They Are Often at the Heart of Difficult Conversations 85 We Try to Frame Feelings Out of the Problem 86 Unexpressed Feelings Can Leak into the Conversation Unexpressed Feelings Can Burst into the Conversation Unexpressed Feelings Make It Difficult to Listen Unexpressed Feelings Take a Toll on Our Self-Esteem and Relationships A Way Out of the Feelings Bind 88 Find the Feelings Lurking Under Attributions, Judgments, and Accusations 96 97 Lift the Lid on Attributions and Judgments 97 Use the Urge to Blame as a Clue to Find Important Feelings 99 Don t Treat Feelings as Gospel: Negotiate with Them Don t Vent: Describe Feelings
Carefully 87 94 99 102 1. Frame Feelings Back into the Problem 102 2. Express the Full Spectrum of Your Feelings 103 3. Don’t Evaluate — Just Share 104 Express Your Feelings Without Judging, Attributing, or Blaming 104 Don’t Monopolize: Both Sides Can 89 Have Strong Feelings at the Same Time 105 An Easy Reminder: Say “I Feel...105 90 The Importance of Acknowledgment 106 90 Sometimes Feelings Are All That Matter 107
”W A Rood Mop to Difficult Conversations 304 The Identity Conversation 109 6. Ground Your Identity: Ask Yourself What s at Stake 111 A Rood Mop to Difficult Conversations 305 Imagine That It’s Three Months or Ten Years from Now 125 Take a Break 125 111 Their Identity Is Also Implicated 125 112 Raising Identity Issues Explicitly 126 Am I Competent? 112 Find the Courage to Ask for Help 127 Am 1 a Good Person? 112 Difficult Conversations Threaten Our Identity Three Ćore Identities Am I Worthy of Love? An Identity Quake Can Knock Us Off Balance There’s No Quick Fix Vulnerable Identities: The All-or-Nothing Syndrome 112 113 113 114 Denial 114 Exaggeration 115 We Let Their Feedback Define Who We Are Ground Your Identity 115 116 Step One: Become Aware of Your Identity Issues 116 Step Two: Complexify Your Identify (Adopt the And Stance) 118 Three Things to Accept About Yourself 119 1. You Will Make Mistakes ,119 2. Your Intentions Are Complex 120 3. You Have Contributed to the Problem 120 During the Conversation: Learn to Regain Your Balance Let Go of Trying to Control Their Reaction Prepare for Their Response Create a Learning Conversation 7. What s Your Purpose? When to Raise It and When to Let Go To Raise or Not Jo Raise: How to Decide? 122 124 131 131 How Do I Know I’ve Made the Right Choice? 132 Work Through the Three Conversations 132 Three Kinds of Conversations That Don t Make Sense 133 Is the Real Conflict Inside You? 133 Is There a Better Way to Address the Issue Than Talking About It? 134 Do You Have Purposes That Make Sense? 137 Remember, You Can’t Change Other People
137 Don’t Focus on Short-Term Reliefat Long-Term Cost 138 Don’t Hit-and-Run 139 Letting Go Adopt Some Liberating Assumptions 122 129 140 141 It’s Not My Responsibility to Make Things Better; It’s My Responsibilityto Do My Best 142 They Have Limitations Too 142
A Road Map to Difficult Conversations 306 A Road Map to Difficult Conversations 307 This Conflict Is Not Who I Am 143 Delivering Bad News 158 Letting Go Doesn’t Mean I No Longer Care 143 Making Requesb 159 If You Raise It: Three Purposes That Work 145 “I Wonder Ifit Would Make Sense. . . ?” 159 1. Learning Their Story 145 Revisiting Conversations Gone Wrong 159 2. Expressing Your Views and Feelings 145 Talk About How to Talk About It 160 3. Problem-Solving Together 146 Stance and Purpose Go Hand in Hand 146 8. Getting Started: Begin from the Third Story 147 Why Our Typical Openings Don t Help 147 We Begin Inside Our Own Story 148 We Trigger Their Identity Conversation from the Start 148 Step One: Begin from the Third Story 149 Think Like a Mediator 150 Not Right or Wrong, Not Better or Worse — Just Different 151 A Map for Going Forward: Third Story, Their Story, Your Story What to Talk About: The Three Conversations How to Talk About It: Listening, Expression, and Problem-Solving 9. Learning: Liefen from the Inside Out Listening Transforms the Conversation Listening to Them Helps Them Listen to You 160 161 162 163 164 166 The Stance of Curiosity: How to Listen from the Inside Out 167 Forget the Words, Focus on Authenticity 167 Jason’s Story 151 Jill’s Story 151 The Commentator in Your Head: Become More Aware of Your Internal Voice 168 The Third Story 151 Don’t Turn It Off, Turn It Up 169 Managing Your Internal Voice 169 If They Start the Conversation, You Can Still Step to the Third Story Step Two: Extend an Invitation 154 155 Negotiate Your Way to Curiosity 169 Don’t
Listen: Talk 170 Describe Your Purposes 155 Invite, Don’t Impose 155 and Acknowledgment 172 Make Them Your Partner in Figuring It Out 156 Inquire to Learn 172 Be Persistent 157 Don’t Make Statements Disguised as Questions 172 158 Don’t Use Questions to Cross-Examine 173 Some Specific Kinds of Conversations Three Skills: Inquiry, Paraphrasing,
A Rood Map to Difficult Conversations 308 A Road Map to Difficult Conversations 309 Ask Open-Ended Questions 174 Don’t Rely on Subtext 191 Ask for More Concrete Information 174 Avoid Easingin 193 Ask Questions About the Three Conversations 176 Make It Safe for Them Not to Answer 177 Paraphrase for Clarify 178 Check Your Understanding 178 Show That You’ve Heard 178 Acknowledge Their Feelings 180 Don’t Make Your Story Simplistic: Use the “Me-Me” And Telling Your Story with Clarity: Three Guidelines 194 195 1. Don’t Present Your Conclusions as The Truth 196 2. Share Where Your Conclusions Come From 197 3. Don’t Exaggerate with “Always” and “Never”: Give Them Room to Change 198 Answer the Invisible Questions 181 How to Acknowledge 181 Ask Them to Paraphrase Back 199 Order Matters: Acknowledge Before Problem-Solving 182 Ask How They See It Differently — and Why 200 Acknowledging Is Not Agreeing 182 11. Problem-Solving: Take the Lead A Final Thought: Empathy Is a Journey, Not a Destination 10. Expression: Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power 183 185 Orators Need Not Apply 185 You re Entitled (Yes, You) 186 No More, But No Less 186 Beware Self-Sabotage 187 Failure to Express Yourself Keeps You Out of the Relationship 188 Feel Entitled, Feel Encouraged, But Don’t Feel Obligated Help Them Understand You 201 Skills for Leading the Conversation 201 Reframe, Reframe, Reframe 202 You Can Reframe Anything 204 The “You-Ме” And 205 It s Always the Right Time to Listen Be Persistent About Listening 206 207 Name the Dynamic: Make the Trouble Explicit 208 Now What? Begin to Problem-Solve
210 It Takes Two to Agree 189 199 Gather Information and Test Your Perceptions 210 211 Speak the Heart of the Matter 189 Propose Crafting a Test 211 Start with What Matters Most 190 Say What Is Still Missing 212 Say What You Mean: Don’t Make Them Guess 191 Say What Would Persuade You 212
A Rood Map to Difficult Conversations 310 Ask What (IfAnything) Would Persuade Them 213 Ask Their Advice 213 InventOptions 213 Ask What Standards Should Apply 214 214 The Principle of Mutual Caretaking If You Still Can’t Agree, Consider Your Alternatives 215 216 It Takes Time 217 12. Putting It All Together Step One: Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations 217 Step Two: Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise It 220 Step Three: Start from the Third Story 221 Step Four: Explore Their Story and Yours 222 Step Five: Problem-Solving 230 Ten Questions People Ask about Difficult Conversations 235 1. It sounds like you re saying everything is relative. Aren t some things just true, and can t someone simply be wrong? 238 2. What if the other person really does have bad intentions — lying, bullying, or intentionally derailing the conversation to get what they want? 244 3. What if the other person is genuinely difficult, perhaps even mentally ill? 249 4. How does this work with someone who has all the power — like my boss? 258 A Road Map to Difficult Conversations 311 5. If I m the boss/parent, why can t I just tell my subordinates/children what to do? 264 6. Isn t this a very American approach? How does it work in other cultures? 268 7. What about conversations that aren t face-to-face? What should I do differently if I m on the phone or e-mail? 273 8. Why do you advise people to bring feelings into the workplace ? I m not a therapist, and shouldn t business decisions be made on the merits? 278 9. Who has time for all this in the real world? 10. My identity
conversation keeps getting stuck in either-or: I m perfect or I m horrible. I can t seem to get past that. What can I do? 283 287
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| title | Difficult conversations how to discuss what matters most |
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